Lights Out
by Val
Summary: Goten's reflection on his own life and how he messed it all up before running away... He's about 15 in the fic. Songfic(Lights Out by Millencolin) Review please.


Light Out

  
  
  
I guess I've never been happy after my dad came back on Earth. 

Before that, there was Gohan, mom and I. Trunks was my best friend, wild animals were my playmates and finding new games, my biggest problem. I was carefree and careless, I didn't have anything to worry about because Gohan would always be there to protect me and mom would take care of everything. I didn't have to become a scholar like my brother, I didn't have to be a warrior like Trunks; I just had to be there and to not cause too much trouble. 

My life was just the dream one of any other kid I guess. Of course we didn't have an almost endless amount of money like Trunks' family, but we've always had enough food and never missed of anything important. I had a forest all for myself. I had the best big brother ever. I had a mother who, despite her sudden angers and sometimes odd deeds, loved me with all of her heart and would have done the impossible for me. 

I was an happy kid, until I met my father. 

I'm not too sure of what happened then. My brother was once again divided between two worlds; one of fights and one of studies, that both strongly attracted him yet didn't entirely seduced him. He had less time for me because he would train with dad and go out with Videl. Mom also had less time for me; dad was back, doubling the cooking and making her more upset than I've grown to know her. Oh! She was sure happy of his return, but he could make her so mad in such a little time, it was amazing. And of course dad, although I guess he did love me, didn't really take care of me. For him, I was a smaller copy of himself, who had grown without him and thus didn't need him. It's true that I didn't go toward him either, but I was a bit scared by him and his mythic aura. The distance between us, the constant uneasiness, even if I wasn't yet aware of it, was hurting and saddening me. 

Then Trunks and I grew apart by the beginning of our teenage years. First because he entered puberty before me and began to consider me as an immature kid. I've always acted more childish than he did and he always thought he was some kind of mentor for me, but it became a serious problem at that moment. Secondly, our personalities seemed to not fit together anymore. We were mad at each other for details, we'd fight almost to death over nothing and soon enough my mom forbid me to hang out with him. Scars remain inside, fresh and painful. I had lost my very best, and at some point my only true, friend. A part of me was missing. 

At some point in my life, a little time after my dad's arrival in it, I tried to get more attention from mom. I tried, in fact, to make her _proud_ of me. I wanted to please her, to feel I was a good, great boy, to know I was as capable as my brother. Before that, I never really cared if I was compared to him or not, or I would make a game of it, but then… It hurt to see mom expecting so much from Gohan and so little from me, as if I wasn't good enough. I felt under-estimated, almost forgotten. So far I also wanted to be loved by my father, to form a bond with him, similar to the one he had with Gohan, his so beloved son. That was impossible, of course, but back then I wasn't aware of such things. I wanted to be as special as my brother for dad, or at least I wanted him to consider me like Vegeta would consider Trunks. Vegeta wouldn't _show_ his love for his son but everyone knew it was there. He was raising, training and educating him in his own ways and he was proud of him deep inside. Sometimes it was so obvious and it made Trunks so happy. I wanted to feel that. 

_ Looking back with anger, looking back with joy and laughs   
Don't ask me all the questions, 'cause I don't have the answers now   
I tried to hold back all my thoughts and all my dreams   
Just to make things better, I was using myself past my means _

I never did. I wasn't focused enough on my training, I was too used to laziness and procrastination, I hadn't known enough of fighting to handle my father's skills. He tried still, I know he did, because despite everything I was his son and he wanted to show he loved me, but it just all failed. I was hurt, I began hating sparring, even with people I used to fight with as a kid. Since I had no more interest in what he loved the most beside food, my father didn't know how to approach me and gave up. I was the one who had to make the first right steps, but I was too young, too confused, too much in pain, to do such a thing. 

Then I began bumming. I disappointed my mother, I confused my father and I went against everything people expected from me. They were shocked, maybe bemused, but didn't really try to understand my behavior, didn't give me the attention I was grieving with. I was so hurt. Even Trunks, as I said earlier, was drifting away at the time. He was upset by my dark mood and cold attitude, said I was becoming like his father and that I wasn't a good friend anymore. The things we told each other… 

All that time, I was just looking for myself. I didn't know who I was. I hated school, I wasn't made for fighting and no one offered me another purpose. I was just no one. Not mama's boy, not dad's son, not Trunks' best friend. Just nothing. No one seemed to really care, no one worried enough. Mom's crying fits didn't reach me anymore because she'd cry for anything. Dad just didn't know what to do but I perceived that as a lack of interest for me. Gohan was too taken by his own life, away from the house, to really realise what was going on. I know he was concerned, but he probably thought it was a phase that would soon be over. 

I was trying to find myself and there was no one to help me. I was going down and there was no one to keep me up. 

_ But all those days are gone   
And I can't find the path that I should follow   
I'm walking unknown land   
Mile after mile I search the way back to my mind   
And I can not believe how hard it is to find   
When I'm down _

I'm thinking about all that and I feel so wrong. I messed up everything because of my immaturity. Because I wasn't as clever as my brother. In the end it's just because I'm an ordinary guy. I can admit that now, so I guess I'm wise, even if just a little bit. But it's not helping much to know that I failed my life so far because I'm human. I'm not even completely human, for Kami's sake! 

When I was a kid, it didn't bother me that I was half Saiyan. It was great to have this phenomenal strength and to impress the other kids when I began to go to school. I felt so special. They all feared and respected me. I was, for once, at the same level than Trunks. We were the two Over-Powerful Kids of the school. Then he became the Smart Cutie and I was the Dumb Other One. It hurt when I noticed… Still does. 

Among the things Trunks would be angry at me for was that I was no more fun. I didn't handle his meanful jokes with a smile or a laugh like before, I didn't want to be his slave nor his punching bag anymore. I didn't want to be there so others could see how cool and handsome and smart he was. I wanted to be respected, I hated to feel so low beside him. I wanted to be his equal, I hated the way he looked at me sometimes, as if he ruled my life. As if I wasn't really worthy of his friendship. I began hating him, seriously. 

Now I know it's just shit. Trunks has the blood of royal Saiyans in his veins; he _needs_ to feel superior, to endlessly test this superiority. At the time, he didn't know he could hurt people, no one ever taught him that. I was hurt, tired of being the little one, the follower; I was dealing with issues that Trunks couldn't understand and wasn't even aware of because I didn't feel I could tell him those things anymore. We were both so dumb. We're not any better yet, for none of us knows how to make things up. At least I don't. I ignore if Trunks even _wants_ to be my friend again. 

Losing him is probably the worst thing that could happen to me. He was my elder, my best friend, my example. Now I don't know how to go on and there's no one else I can turn to. 

_ I used to make things easy, I used to be an happy guy   
But things seem so different now, that I can't even play the game   
I got to try to find the way through all this now   
So what I need now, is someone to read the map 'cause I don't know how _

In the end it's all my fault. If I had been serious about school or fights, my parents would have paid more attention to me. If I hadn't been such a brat, Gohan wouldn't have drift away like that. If I had been able to understand Trunks and to tell him how I felt, we wouldn't be in such a mess now. If I hadn't been my stupid self, I wouldn't be in such a mess right now. 

Now I'm walking. My pace is fast and long, my eyes are stuck to the ground I don't see, my fists are tight in my pockets. Yet I have no goal, no destination. I have no path to follow, but I am walking because walking is good for thinking and it's all I can do for the moment. 

Maybe it's not my _entire_ fault. Mom and dad should have taken care of me when I needed it, instead of stepping back and hoping for the best. Gohan should have felt my distress. Trunks shouldn't have pushed me like that… Dammit I may not be totally Earthling but I'm still human! I have feelings and defaults, I am not perfect! Why would it all be _my_ fault?! 

Sometimes I feel like the whole world is against me. It's as if it wanted to push me to the very edge of mental health and see how long it will take me to fall into insanity. I guess I'm not very far from it now. I'm tired of thinking. It hurts. It brings back memories I want to forget, it summons feelings that just make no good. I'm sick of thinking, but what else can I do? There will always be my mind and it will always reflect on my past… 

Maybe the end of my walking will bring up a solution. Hopefully, a permanent one. 

_ I feel ashamed and I'm to blame   
'Cause I tried to be, I tried to see things from my side   
And I also bleed, I also need some space   
It's time to close this case _


End file.
